love the cockroach.

I have lived in this one room accommodation for a year and a half now. In the time that I have lived here, I have gotten to know some things about the ecology of the area that I live in. There are many dog, rats, cats and cockroaches. Very few birds live in this area, because there are no trees around here at all. The dogs in the area seem to do just fine for themselves, although there is one dog who has clearly had some very rough times. But every day on my way to college I will see either a dead cockroach, rat, or the very worst, a dead cat. Nothing in the world will prepare you for the first dead animal you see, and its worse when you find a crow flying away with what used to be the liver of the cat.

Anyway, I was never a big fan of cockroaches, but I had been trained to shoo them out of the house. At home, it would always be my job to run and fetch the broom while my dad trapped the cockroach. After I turned 13, I would have the honour of hitting the cockroach, and I’d get to see it upturned, trying desperately to hold on to what used to be its life. However, at home there were never that many cockroaches. Yes, lizards always set up homes with us, the moths liked to check in on us every once in a while, and we’d find the occasional centipede or millipede in the rainy months. Cockroaches were rare, so when I saw one in my single room accommodation, and with no broom to save the day, I panicked. I ran out of the room and waited for it to leave. Mostly they would pop out of the sink in my bathroom after 12am. I liked to think that they were coming to see if I was sleeping or wasting my time on the internet, but then I realised that they had come to eat my food and I’d immediately want to clean my room. Never actually did it, but the obligation to do it existed.

Months later, I decided to name my regular cockroach Tom. It wasn’t my pet or anything, I’d just see him popping out of the sink, whisper a “hi” and run out of the bathroom. He was a grand old cockroach. He was big and dark, he’d look at you with his bug eyes and threaten to attack you by doing this cute little flit with his wings. Oh yeah, the running still happened. After a while something had changed, because the cockroaches had stopped coming by at all. I wouldn’t even get a little peep from Tom and I was confused. But then, my 28 year old cousin’s heart gave up, and my 2 year old dog couldn’t fight an illness. I never saw a cockroach while all this happened. These were truly trying times for me and my family. Instilled in me was the mortal fear that someone I loved would die and I would never get to see them again that my family would be ruined and my life would be ruined and I couldn’t breathe and I just wanted it all to stop but it wouldn’t stop because things don’t just happen the way you want them to happen and

This night I saw a cockroach in my bathroom again. It wasn’t a fully grown Tom, but this guy was getting there. I decided to name him Gary, if he ever comes to see me again.

what to expect of this

honestly? nothing.

okay. maybe I will actually make some time for this website.

and maybe once in a while I will upload a thought dump that no one might read.

maybe, just maybe I’ll get the courage to one day write a poem.

I have written poetry before. It’s just become a little hard over the last few months,

but you really shouldn’t expect anything. that’s what life is about right?

expect nothing and then everything goes your way. strange…

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