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grief and acceptance

I discovered this poem only this morning and I found that it has a lot to do with what I was trying to understand myself in yesterday’s post. This is Elegy Written in a Church Courtyard by Thomas Gray.

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day, 
         The lowing herd wind slowly o’er the lea, 
The plowman homeward plods his weary way, 
         And leaves the world to darkness and to me. 

Now fades the glimm’ring landscape on the sight, 
         And all the air a solemn stillness holds, 
Save where the beetle wheels his droning flight, 
         And drowsy tinklings lull the distant folds; 

Save that from yonder ivy-mantled tow’r 
         The moping owl does to the moon complain 
Of such, as wand’ring near her secret bow’r, 
         Molest her ancient solitary reign. 

Beneath those rugged elms, that yew-tree’s shade, 
         Where heaves the turf in many a mould’ring heap, 
Each in his narrow cell for ever laid, 
         The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep. 

The breezy call of incense-breathing Morn, 
         The swallow twitt’ring from the straw-built shed, 
The cock’s shrill clarion, or the echoing horn, 
         No more shall rouse them from their lowly bed. 

For them no more the blazing hearth shall burn, 
         Or busy housewife ply her evening care: 
No children run to lisp their sire’s return, 
         Or climb his knees the envied kiss to share. 

Oft did the harvest to their sickle yield, 
         Their furrow oft the stubborn glebe has broke; 
How jocund did they drive their team afield! 
         How bow’d the woods beneath their sturdy stroke! 

Let not Ambition mock their useful toil, 
         Their homely joys, and destiny obscure; 
Nor Grandeur hear with a disdainful smile 
         The short and simple annals of the poor. 

The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow’r, 
         And all that beauty, all that wealth e’er gave, 
Awaits alike th’ inevitable hour. 
         The paths of glory lead but to the grave. 

Nor you, ye proud, impute to these the fault, 
         If Mem’ry o’er their tomb no trophies raise, 
Where thro’ the long-drawn aisle and fretted vault 
         The pealing anthem swells the note of praise. 

Can storied urn or animated bust 
         Back to its mansion call the fleeting breath? 
Can Honour’s voice provoke the silent dust, 
         Or Flatt’ry soothe the dull cold ear of Death? 

Perhaps in this neglected spot is laid 
         Some heart once pregnant with celestial fire; 
Hands, that the rod of empire might have sway’d, 
         Or wak’d to ecstasy the living lyre. 

But Knowledge to their eyes her ample page 
         Rich with the spoils of time did ne’er unroll; 
Chill Penury repress’d their noble rage, 
         And froze the genial current of the soul. 

Full many a gem of purest ray serene, 
         The dark unfathom’d caves of ocean bear: 
Full many a flow’r is born to blush unseen, 
         And waste its sweetness on the desert air. 

Some village-Hampden, that with dauntless breast 
         The little tyrant of his fields withstood; 
Some mute inglorious Milton here may rest, 
         Some Cromwell guiltless of his country’s blood. 

Th’ applause of list’ning senates to command, 
         The threats of pain and ruin to despise, 
To scatter plenty o’er a smiling land, 
         And read their hist’ry in a nation’s eyes, 

Their lot forbade: nor circumscrib’d alone 
         Their growing virtues, but their crimes confin’d; 
Forbade to wade through slaughter to a throne, 
         And shut the gates of mercy on mankind, 

The struggling pangs of conscious truth to hide, 
         To quench the blushes of ingenuous shame, 
Or heap the shrine of Luxury and Pride 
         With incense kindled at the Muse’s flame. 

Far from the madding crowd’s ignoble strife, 
         Their sober wishes never learn’d to stray; 
Along the cool sequester’d vale of life 
         They kept the noiseless tenor of their way. 

Yet ev’n these bones from insult to protect, 
         Some frail memorial still erected nigh, 
With uncouth rhymes and shapeless sculpture deck’d, 
         Implores the passing tribute of a sigh. 

Their name, their years, spelt by th’ unletter’d muse, 
         The place of fame and elegy supply: 
And many a holy text around she strews, 
         That teach the rustic moralist to die. 

For who to dumb Forgetfulness a prey, 
         This pleasing anxious being e’er resign’d, 
Left the warm precincts of the cheerful day, 
         Nor cast one longing, ling’ring look behind? 

On some fond breast the parting soul relies, 
         Some pious drops the closing eye requires; 
Ev’n from the tomb the voice of Nature cries, 
         Ev’n in our ashes live their wonted fires. 

For thee, who mindful of th’ unhonour’d Dead 
         Dost in these lines their artless tale relate; 
If chance, by lonely contemplation led, 
         Some kindred spirit shall inquire thy fate, 

Haply some hoary-headed swain may say, 
         “Oft have we seen him at the peep of dawn 
Brushing with hasty steps the dews away 
         To meet the sun upon the upland lawn. 

“There at the foot of yonder nodding beech 
         That wreathes its old fantastic roots so high, 
His listless length at noontide would he stretch, 
         And pore upon the brook that babbles by. 

“Hard by yon wood, now smiling as in scorn, 
         Mutt’ring his wayward fancies he would rove, 
Now drooping, woeful wan, like one forlorn, 
         Or craz’d with care, or cross’d in hopeless love. 

“One morn I miss’d him on the custom’d hill, 
         Along the heath and near his fav’rite tree; 
Another came; nor yet beside the rill, 
         Nor up the lawn, nor at the wood was he; 

“The next with dirges due in sad array 
         Slow thro’ the church-way path we saw him borne. 
Approach and read (for thou canst read) the lay, 
         Grav’d on the stone beneath yon aged thorn.” 

THE EPITAPH 
Here rests his head upon the lap of Earth
A youth to Fortune and to Fame unknown. 
Fair Science frown’d not on his humble birth, 
And Melancholy mark’d him for her own. 

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere, 
Heav’n did a recompense as largely send: 
He gave to Mis’ry all he had, a tear, 
He gain’d from Heav’n (’twas all he wish’d) a friend. 

No farther seek his merits to disclose, 
Or draw his frailties from their dread abode, 
(There they alike in trembling hope repose) 
The bosom of his Father and his God. 

Gray was also, apparently, dealing with many deaths that occurred over the course of his own life, which led him to question his own mortality, which led to this poem. There’s something so beautiful about the way it’s written, and I have always been a fan of the good old ABAB rhyme scheme. I hope you enjoyed this poem as much as I did!

Poem taken from Poetry Foundation : https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44299/elegy-written-in-a-country-churchyard

how to deal with death

Have you ever thought about how we are never actually taught how to deal with death? Like, as children when growing up you might have heard of some old distant relative or an old grandparent’s passing. The initial reaction is confusion, obviously, which parents choose to explain in different ways. Some parents, like mine, would say “Well people live and people die and there’s just nothing anybody can do about it” which would go right over the child’s head because they’re just too young to understand the volatility of a human life, while some other parents might choose to say “Oh yeah your grandpa has taken a reeeaaally long vacation” and then just hope that you forget you ever had a grandpa (I’ve actually heard of this happening, don’t come at me). So like, what’s the deal with death and why does it have to be so hard to understand.

It should be a fairly simple concept to understand, that things start and then end but then other things come up. Especially in a time like the one we live in, where everything from superheroes to television shows are never really allowed to die/end. We keep pressing the mostly empty toothpaste tube because surely it couldn’t have gotten over so soon, there has to be more. Is it greed? Are we so desperate to have more of everything that when something ends of its own accord we just cannot comprehend how and why? Humanity’s thirst for knowledge has lead to years and years of evolution to bring us to a point now where we can converse with complete strangers on transportable! computers (take that as laptops or mobile phones, whichever works)! It used to take years to travel from one part of the world to another, something that only takes days, if not hours now. Has this ease of access to literally everything made us forget something our ancestors might have been particularly impervious to? How did those guys deal with death? And why don’t we have any knowledge yet?

This year has taken many lives all around the world, and last year took many lives that were important to me personally. I have been grieving my family’s loss for more than a year, and pile on to personal tragedy the deaths of many celebrities who have been very important to me, one way or another. Kobe Bryant was the first real NBA player who I would follow and constantly root for, even if I didn’t watch all his games or know all his stats. Sushant Singh Rajput was a tremendous performer who’s knowledge in just about anything in the universe would always surprise me and drive me to do better. And Chadwick Boseman created history, changed history and taught humanity to a world that would soon go to the dogs. Black Panther (2018) will never be just another Marvel movie, and from the very get go you get the sense that some very important questions are going to be asked as a part of this film. It is the only film I have written a paper on for my postcolonial paper, and the resources I found while writing said paper were tremendously educative.

Some people say that a death means to celebrate the life that was lived. But isn’t there also tremendous injustice in not even letting a life be lived? (does that make sense? I don’t know.) But then again, what does a fully lived life look like? Some people only realise at the ripe old ages of 80 what is most important to them. Some people have the maturity or foresight at the young age 20 to understand what they would like their life to be about and live by their own rules, without a care in the world. Some people don’t even get 20 years.

If you read this post expecting to find some answers, I’m sorry but I have none. I hate it more than anything when all these important questions get answers that will only temporarily make you feel better, so instead I tell myself this: The life that a person has lived is not just the number of breaths they have breathed. A person’s life can be measured by how much they mean to the people who surrounded them, and by how much love and kindness thoughts of them bring to others.

If you have lost someone this year, I’m deeply sorry for your loss.

love the cockroach.

I have lived in this one room accommodation for a year and a half now. In the time that I have lived here, I have gotten to know some things about the ecology of the area that I live in. There are many dog, rats, cats and cockroaches. Very few birds live in this area, because there are no trees around here at all. The dogs in the area seem to do just fine for themselves, although there is one dog who has clearly had some very rough times. But every day on my way to college I will see either a dead cockroach, rat, or the very worst, a dead cat. Nothing in the world will prepare you for the first dead animal you see, and its worse when you find a crow flying away with what used to be the liver of the cat.

Anyway, I was never a big fan of cockroaches, but I had been trained to shoo them out of the house. At home, it would always be my job to run and fetch the broom while my dad trapped the cockroach. After I turned 13, I would have the honour of hitting the cockroach, and I’d get to see it upturned, trying desperately to hold on to what used to be its life. However, at home there were never that many cockroaches. Yes, lizards always set up homes with us, the moths liked to check in on us every once in a while, and we’d find the occasional centipede or millipede in the rainy months. Cockroaches were rare, so when I saw one in my single room accommodation, and with no broom to save the day, I panicked. I ran out of the room and waited for it to leave. Mostly they would pop out of the sink in my bathroom after 12am. I liked to think that they were coming to see if I was sleeping or wasting my time on the internet, but then I realised that they had come to eat my food and I’d immediately want to clean my room. Never actually did it, but the obligation to do it existed.

Months later, I decided to name my regular cockroach Tom. It wasn’t my pet or anything, I’d just see him popping out of the sink, whisper a “hi” and run out of the bathroom. He was a grand old cockroach. He was big and dark, he’d look at you with his bug eyes and threaten to attack you by doing this cute little flit with his wings. Oh yeah, the running still happened. After a while something had changed, because the cockroaches had stopped coming by at all. I wouldn’t even get a little peep from Tom and I was confused. But then, my 28 year old cousin’s heart gave up, and my 2 year old dog couldn’t fight an illness. I never saw a cockroach while all this happened. These were truly trying times for me and my family. Instilled in me was the mortal fear that someone I loved would die and I would never get to see them again that my family would be ruined and my life would be ruined and I couldn’t breathe and I just wanted it all to stop but it wouldn’t stop because things don’t just happen the way you want them to happen and

This night I saw a cockroach in my bathroom again. It wasn’t a fully grown Tom, but this guy was getting there. I decided to name him Gary, if he ever comes to see me again.

what to expect of this

honestly? nothing.

okay. maybe I will actually make some time for this website.

and maybe once in a while I will upload a thought dump that no one might read.

maybe, just maybe I’ll get the courage to one day write a poem.

I have written poetry before. It’s just become a little hard over the last few months,

but you really shouldn’t expect anything. that’s what life is about right?

expect nothing and then everything goes your way. strange…

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